• Kiss me. I’m too drunk te grope ye properly.
  • Its just like cuddling, only damper.
  • I cuddle after sex.
  • I want to check you for ticks.


  • Its okay to look, but not like you’re starving for a cheeseburger.
  • What’s the password?!?!?! Let me in or I’ll shred your face.
  • Futility: When the stupid just won’t go away.
  • You can agree with me or you can be wrong.
  • I enjoy contact with human beings.
  • The last thing I want to hurt is you…but its still on my list.
  • Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
  • I’m busy now, can I ignore you some other time?
  • I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
  • You are validating my inherent distrust of strangers.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I’m not being rude, you’re just being insignificant.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are purely ceremonial.


  • Man must be awful drunk to stumble on shadow.
  • When a man asks your advice it is to endorse something he has already done.
  • Never open your mouth until you are absolutely certain your brain is working.
  • Life is short; break the rules; forgive quickly; love truly; laugh uncontrollably; and never regret anything that made you smile.
  • Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not.
  • Every saint has a past, every sinner a future.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • I’m only as strong as my chocolate, my pushup bra and my hair spray.

    Good Advice

  • When in doubt, mumble.
  • Don’t. You aren’t old enough to experience that much pain.
  • The cuter the face, the more you should worry.
  • Go away, or I will taunt you a second time.
  • I never give up when I’m right.
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.